I had a miscarriage. It hurts a lot. Emotionally. Physically. I'm going through it as I type. It hurts.
Here is what I've experienced so far. I wrote this a few minutes ago. It is somewhat graphic. Please skip ahead past the blockquote if you have a sensitive stomach or are just plain offended by this kind of stuff.
The pain hits hardest at night, after my daughter and my husband are asleep.
I passed my baby three days ago from today, July 1, 2006. Although I was supposedly 11 weeks along (which I sort of doubted because I still breastfeed my 18 month old, so I may have had a delayed ovulation), the baby was only about 7 weeks in size.
It all started on the 25 or the 26, I don't remember. I experienced very, very light spotting--so light, I was wondering if my urine was just a few shades darker than usual. I didn't think much of it. Although it didn't occur with my first pregnancy, I knew that spotting was a very common occurance early in pregnancy. I had been cramping ever since I became pregnant and assumed that it was just my uterus trying to stretch itself for the baby.
A day or two after what I thought was an insignificant occurance, I had sex again. This is when it became obvious to me that I was REALLY spotting. Though my bleeding was short-lived and there was not much in it, I noticed with dread that there was a little, little clot. This alarmed me. My husband and I looked up different sorts of reasons why bleeding occurs early in pregnancy and assumed that perhaps he had just irritated my cervix during sex. Cervixes apparently become very sensitive during pregnancy; moreso when one is having sex because a ton of blood rushes to it. So this is what I assumed. Light spotting occurred throughout that entire day.
On the 28th, out of nowhere around 6pm, I noticed a growing dampness. It was only after I sat down to pee did I realize with horror that it was blood. Not much blood, really, but enough to make me feel like I was in big trouble. Like before, this bleeding was shortlived. I didn't know what to do. I wasn't in any pain. I didn't want to go to the ER. So I just... sat at home, performing menial tasks. At around 10-11pm, I figured that I ought to get showered and dressed to get ready to go to the ER. I had a feeling I was going to be there for a while (and I was right), so I wanted to get as clean and as fresh as I could--I hate feeling dirty or oily. While I was in the shower, I felt my vagina make way for a slightly bigger clot than I had experienced in the last few days. I've passed clots this size when not pregnant, though. I was scared. I didn't know what it was. I tried to stand in a way that would make the water help detach it from my vagina. It detached. I looked down and it was just this...really tiny blob. Maybe about 1.5-2 inches in diameter. I thought it was probably nothing, but something compelled me to pick it up. Luckly for me, I had a bunch of my daughter's bath toys in the tub, and used this toy cup to capture the clot. I placed the cup, water, "clot," soap suds and all, on the counter. At first glance, I looked like a big red blob. Before I headed to the ER, I called my mother-in-law and told her what happened and about the blob. She asked if it was tissue or a clot. I didn't know. She said the difference was that clots dissolved in water (I told her I had it sitting in water), and that tissue does not. Tissue looks white/grayish. I told her it looked like a clot. Boy, was I wrong. I realized this after my return from the ER a whole 10 hours later.
When I went to go check on my "clot," I noticed all the bloody part had "melted," just like my mother-in-law said it would in water. The first thing I noticed was this small, tube looking thing. was all wound up, VERY much like an ubilical cord. In fact, I think it was the umbilical cord. After seeing it, I freaked out and left it alone. I told my husband if he could take care of it and put it in the fridge. By taking care of it, I meant that he should take it as it was and just place the entire cup in a baggie. Instead, he poured out the excess water. When I heard he did this, I was curious to see what was beneath all the bloody water. I asked to see it. You should probably close this story if you don't want to know what I saw...... I saw a tiny, little head. And on this head I saw two little black dots (probably eyes). I tried to see if it had a body or hands and feet, but after the well-formed head, the torso just sort of... splayed out into a veiny thing. I felt uncomfortable. At this point, I couldn't tell if I was sad. All I knew is that I felt something and it was this dull sensation that never seemed to go away after that. I felt it in between my throat and my stomach.
The next day, nothing really happened. No cramping, little to no bleeding. I cried that night. I thought about how a horrible mother I am. I don't keep track of my menstrual period because it's a tad irregular (I breastfeed). I had taken my daughter in for x-rays. I was apparently pregnant by that time. I didn't know. I thought about if I hadn't been so careless and lazy, I would have known. I thought about how the baby had passed. How I was too afraid to touch it. How I was slightly repulsed to even look at it. I'm the child's mother. How can I be disgusted to even look at my own child? I remembered seeing its two little eyes. My daughter was sleeping beside me when I was remembering all this. I looked at her eyes. I thought about how beautiful they were and are. How her eyes uplift my spirit when she smiles. The way they sparkled with intelligence. I thought about how I'd never see my baby's eyes sparkle. I'd never see them look at me. I'd never be able to gaze into them. I wouldn't even ever be able to hold him/her. I wouldn't ever be able to drown him/her in my kisses. Babies deserve to be held and kissed and loved. I would never be able to hold and kiss my child. I'd never feel it's arms around my neck. I'd never feel him/her kiss me, the way my daughter learned how to do a few months ago. I cried and I cried. And it hurt so much. It still hurts. I feel like it will never stop hurting. I feel like I'm going to be sad for the rest of my life. I feel so guilty. When I first found out I was pregnant, I was sort of annoyed. I felt like I needed to spend more time with my daughter. I wanted to teach her more things, enjoy more things with her. I was really looking forward to spending time with my daughter as she learned how to be more independant and developed preferances and learned how to express them. I felt like the baby was sort of an intruder. I wondered how sad I'd feel if I miscarried. I wasn't wishing for it. I don't know. For some weird, odd, irrational reason, I think that the baby heard my thoughts and felt unwanted. The feeling of being intruded upon was fleeting, though. I soon became very excited. But it was too late. It was too late. Now my baby is just sitting in the fridge. He/she will not know the warmth of my arms. He/she will never be able to play with his/her father. I'll never be able to look into his/her eyes knowing that he/she can see me and hear me say that I love him/her.
I passed the placenta today... or rather yesterday in the morning. I woke up with terribly bad cramps. Cramps comparable to labor contractions. For some reason, I didn't think anything of it. I forgot about the placenta, I guess. I forgot I'd have to pass it. For some reason, I thought it was just going to come out in chunks. Silly me. Well I was cramping and it was moderately painful. I woke my husband up and asked if he'd stay home from work. He was hesitant. I told him I might hemorrhage and asked him what would be done with our daughter if this occurred. He called his work and said he'd have to take the day off. He acted very resentful for some stupid, lame reason. I was hurt that he was so unconcerned and I threw a fit. I asked him to go to work, if he wanted to so badly. He said he already called in, but I told him it was obvious he didn't want to help me. In the midst of telling him all this, I started to feel an oozing. The ooze kept coming and coming. I thought it would never stop and realized it would probably be a good idea if I got up and went to the bathroom. As I half walked, half jogged there, it was still oozing. Only when I got there and locked the door did I feel something push its way past my vagina. I was about to lower my panties when I felt another thing fall out. I was so surprised, I pulled them back on, then realized that I did not want them touching me so I pulled them off again. When I was certain that it was done, I yelled for my husband to help me. I pulled my panties off again and was... I briefly saw but couldn't stand to look for long. I asked him to help take my panties off and not to spill. While I was sitting on the toilet and my husband was cleaning stuff up a bit, he said, "I was wondering when it would come out. I had been waiting." I then realized that I had passed the placenta. I was so weirded out that I had forgotten I was going to expell it from my body and weired out that my husband remembered.
About 2-4 hours after that, I kept passing out little to medium sized clots, which I'm guessing were parts of the gestational sac (I hadn't passed it with the embryo). I'm still experiencing some pretty intense cramping... but only occassionally. Please pray that I pass everything and do not need any medical intervention. Please pray for the soul of my child in heaven. I'd appreciate it if you said a little prayer for my daughter and husband as well.
Thank you.
I'm so sorry for anyone who is experiencing this. Every single aspect of this just hurts terribly. Except for the consolation that my child is now in the arms of One whose love for my child is unmatched. But it still hurts so much.
I'm sorry if there are many typos here. I don't have the heart to re-read it.
Getting to the Point
I'd like to bury my child in a cemetary. I don't have the money to do this. I'd like, appreciate and need your help. I give you my word that I will not use any of the money donated for any personal purchases. It will go to purchasing a plot and headstone. Infant plots cost only half as much as adult plots. But it depends on the cemetary. Some cemetaries have a section for babies. I have yet to contact any local cemetaries. I plan to, though. Probably later this week. I can't do it now. I don't think I could manage talking to anyone about it.
But if you could perhaps make a little donation, it would be a big help. Any extra will either be donated to charity or, if there is enough, it will be used to dedicate a tree at a nearby botanic garden.
Thanks. I'm sorry if this is short and sparse. I don't feel like I can manage any more than this.
The donations button is off to the top left hand corner of this blog. Thanks again. Even if you're not in the position to donate even a penny, I'd still appreciate your prayers. Thank you and God bless.
